How to Deal with an Alcoholic Parent at the Holidays
If you have an alcoholic in the family, you know the countless ways drinking can ruin the holidays. The holidays are a festive time, and alcohol is a big part of many celebrations. Unfortunately, this may cause you to dread family events. Even if the alcoholic keeps it together during one party, you still might not be able to fully enjoy yourself. You worry that at any moment the alcoholic will get loud, insulting, embarrassing or violent.
In my family, alcoholism first appeared as confusing secrets and failure to show up. Why was grandma always hiding in her bedroom or absent at holiday celebrations? My mother seemed stressed and disappointed that grandma rarely showed up, and mom’s anxiety often clouded holidays. Many years later we learned grandma was a closet alcoholic and likely was too drunk to leave the bedroom.
In other families, alcoholic drinking causes embarrassing or hurtful behavior. Children of alcoholics are on edge, waiting for their parent’s inevitable mood swings. They monitor the signs, waiting for the parent to start slurring words, call names, or lash out. Some live in fear of violence, when the alcoholic throws things, breaks things, or hits people.
As an adult, you have many more choices than you did as a child with an alcoholic parent. And yet the magnified expectations around holiday celebrations can make it difficult to set boundaries.
You may fantasize about managing things to create a better outcome. Children of alcoholics tend to find a sense of control amidst chaos by imagining that if only they behave the right way, things will go better. The obsession with managing the family situation to prevent bad outcomes is a sign that you’ve been affected by the family disease of alcoholism.
How the Alcoholic Affects Family Members
The first step in recovering from the effect of alcoholism is to recognize you’re powerless to change the alcoholic. In Al-Anon, the 12-Step recovery program for families of alcoholics, this is known as the 3 C’s. You didn’t Cause the alcoholic to drink. You can’t Control the alcoholic. And you can’t Cure the alcoholic. Take a few breaths to let that sink in.
The fact that the alcoholic’s behavior is outside of your control may at first sound disheartening. But accepting that you are not responsible for the alcoholic’s drinking is the first step toward being free of alcoholic family dynamics.
Some of the most common ways family members adapt to the fear and unpredictability caused by alcoholic drinking are:
- Taking over managing tasks because you can’t count on the alcoholic;
- Monitoring drinking and pouring out alcohol;
- Making excuses for the alcoholic;
- People pleasing to avoid conflict;
- Being hyper-vigilant for signs of drunkenness or mood swings;
- Denying the effects of alcoholism and keeping secrets;
- Avoiding and withdrawing to keep from being a target
All of the above behaviors serve a purpose. They can be life-saving when you’re a child and don’t have the ability to get away or effectively stand up to the alcoholic parent. But these behaviors usually take on a life of their own and persist automatically into adulthood. Underneath these strategies is the faulty hope that if you manage to crack the secret code and do the right thing, this time things will be better.
Understanding the Alcoholic Parent: To Them, Alcohol is the Solution, not the Problem
Alcoholic families tend to have black-and-white thinking, framing behavior in terms of right/wrong and good/bad. It is confusing when the alcoholic lashes out and blames other family members for their behavior. They may make statements such as, “If only you didn’t make me so mad, I wouldn’t need to drink.” Underneath the blaming lies shame and pain.
A compassionate way of understanding why the alcoholic drinks is that to them, alcohol is the solution, not the problem. At some point they discover that alcohol numbs painful emotions and makes them feel better. When drinking they feel good, powerful, witty, uninhibited. Alcoholics are emotionally immature and lack good coping skills, so alcohol becomes their coping tool. In alcoholism recovery circles, it is often said that the emotional age of the alcoholic is the age at which they started drinking.
Some families are predisposed to alcoholism because the combination of genetics and environment. Poverty, discrimination, racism and violence contribute to stress that makes people susceptible to abuse substances. An alcoholic parent who drinks to soothe their pain unintentionally creates a home environment of chaos, neglect or violence. They are unable to teach their children healthy coping skills because they lack coping skills themselves.
Setting Boundaries and Responding Differently
Let me be clear. Even if you have compassion for the alcoholic’s struggle, that doesn’t mean you have to accept unacceptable behavior. If you are an adult with a parent who drinks excessively, you have the right and responsibility to take care of yourself first. You are no longer a child with no power. You have choices now about how to respond to the alcoholic.
When preparing for holiday gatherings, first get clear on your values. Why are you planning to spend time with family members who are difficult for you? Maybe it’s because you value family, like to share holiday traditions, want your children to know their grandparents, or want to show aging parents that you care about them.
You can honor your parents and family traditions without giving in to unrealistic expectations or inappropriate or abusive behavior. Some things to think about ahead of time:
- At what point in a visit do things usually start going wrong?
- How much together time per day can you handle before starting to feel overwhelmed?
- What behaviors do you find unacceptable?
- What physical safety situations might arise?
If violence is a fear, your number one priority is to protect the safety of yourself and anyone else who depends on you. Have an escape plan and an exit strategy.
Protecting your Sanity during Family Visits
Allow yourself shorter visits
If you feel family pressure to do long visits but notice that things often start going wrong early in the visit, protect yourself and your family by planning shorter visits. A shorter visit that is successful is better that a long visit filled with tension and fighting that takes days for you to recover from.
Plan breaks from the big family group
If you live far from family, it’s easy to give into pressure that you should spend all or most of your visit together. Let yourself take breaks by yourself or with your immediate family to relax and disconnect from the tense environment. This will help you reground yourself so you can deal better with any craziness when you return.
Decide where to draw the line with unacceptable behavior
Each person has different tolerances for behavior. Some people enjoy giving each other shit and making sarcastic remarks. You get to decide what is and is not acceptable to you, not the alcoholic. Alcoholic parents often can’t tolerate taking responsibility for their own behavior. They may turn your attempts to set boundaries back on you, saying things like, “You’re too sensitive,” “It was just a joke,” or “Get over it.”
You have to have your own back. Being “nice” and accepting abusive behavior ends up unintentionally enabling dysfunctional family dynamics. Suggestions for behavior you may decide not to accept include:
- Harsh criticisms about appearance or life choices;
- Blaming or lashing out;
- Getting loud and obnoxious;
- Drinking and driving;
- Inappropriate physical touch or sexual comment
Rehearse new responses ahead of time
Once you know what you’re not going to accept, prepare some responses ahead of time. This is essential because in the moment when you’re triggered, high emotions will make it hard to respond in the way you’d like.
Some possible responses to unacceptable comments or criticism include:
- Minimal meaningless phrases like, “Wow” or “Really?” Then change the subject.
- Prepare short phrases for when the alcoholic crosses a line with blame or abuse: “I won’t be spoken to that way,” “I’m not going to listen to that,” “That’s not ok.” Then simply walk away.
- Have a signal you share ahead of time with your partner or other trusted family members as a sign you need their support in dealing with an interaction.
When the whole event turns sour and it doesn’t look possible to redeem the evening, give yourself permission to leave early. It’s not your fault others are drinking excessively. You don’t owe it to anyone to stay when things have become uncomfortable, sloppy or nasty.
Signs You May Benefit from Additional Support
After a lifetime of dealing with the effects of alcoholism, you may need support in disengaging emotionally from your alcoholic parent. Being in long-term relationships with alcoholics is extremely stressful. It affects our sense of self, distorts our sense of power and control, and damages our sense of safety in relationships.
Growing up in a home with alcohol abuse is one of the 10 Adverse Childhood Experiences that are components of childhood trauma. After being exposed over years to unpredictable and frightening situations, our nervous system becomes overloaded and gets triggered easily into trauma responses like fight, flight or freeze.
When there’s unhealed trauma in your body, you may understand intellectually that the alcoholic’s behavior is not your fault. You may want to more effectively set boundaries but struggle to do so in the moment. Some signs that you may benefit from therapy to help recover from the effects of alcoholism include:
- Dread at the idea of setting boundaries;
- Getting triggered and unable to act the way you intend to;
- Confusion about whether you’re at fault in certain situations;
- Feeling like you revert to your teenage self when you’re around your parent;
- Chronically feeling overresponsible and not good enough
If you’re dreading family interactions and recognize you need help in behaving in new ways, please don’t hesitate to reach out. I specialize in trauma therapy, codependence and working with families of alcoholics.
I also am a Certified EMDR Therapist with EMDRIA, the main international organization for EMDR. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing helps our nervous systems heal from childhood trauma by focusing on disturbing memories. The memories lose their vividness and we are more able to be our best selves and show up in more effective ways.
Learn more about how to find the best EMDR therapist in Raleigh, NC. Contact me today if you’d like to learn more about how therapy with me can help you recover from family alcoholism.